Elite Dating Coach Says ‘3-4 Rule’ Is the Key to Finding Your Partner

  • Amy Nobile is a New York City-based dating coach who charges $10,000 for 4 months of services.
  • She says the “3-4 rule” — knowing 4 key tenets about a prospect by the third date — saves singles time and energy.
  • The four tenets are chemistry, core values, emotional maturity, and relationship readiness.

New York City-based dating coach Amy Nobile, who charges $10,000 to work with her, says she created a foolproof method for weeding out incompatible matches.

Called the “3-4 rule,” Nobile’s method requires singles learn four key principles about their prospect by the end of the third date. Those tenets are chemistry, core values, emotional maturity, and readiness.

According to Nobile, this method allows daters to assess chemistry and long-term compatibility. Often, singles focus on chemistry only, and learn months or years into a relationship they aren’t well-matched, she said.

“And then it’s six months later or six years later, and the other person pops their head up and says, ‘I don’t want kids in two years,'” Nobile told Insider.

The 4 tenets of a relationship that are non-negotiable

According to Nobile, her four principles allow singles to take a more holistic look at romantic relationships.

The first tenet, chemistry, means you feel some sort of connection, whether physical or intellectual. Nobile said chemistry can often feel like the “just a knowing that there’s some sort of connection.”

The second tenet of core values will be different for each single. According to Nobile, these categories could include family planning, career goals, personal goals, religion, or any other lifestyle choices and plans that could involve a partner.

It’s also important to know a date’s emotional availability and maturity. Nobile says a person who can articulate their feelings about themself and their relationships consistently embodies this trait.

Last, it’s important a prospect is ready for a relationship in the current moment.

If a date doesn’t check each of these four boxes, it’s a sign they aren’t your person, Nobile said.

Dates 1 and 2: Discuss career and relationships

When Nobile explains the 3-4 rule to new clients, they often freeze in fear over how to elicit personal information in just three dates.

Asking specific questions on each date can help, according to Nobile.

She suggested using your first and seconds dates to learn about a prospect’s career and passions, what they’ve learned about themselves over the past year, the relationship they’re looking for, and their relationship history. It’s also a good time to ask about their family and long-term goals, said Nobile.

Date 3: Time to talk family and dealbreakers

By the third date, you can get into more specifics about relationship deal breakers, family planning, marriage, and communication styles.

Though it can be nerve-wracking, Nobile said self-love and practice help.

When Nobile start working with an introverted woman in her mid-thirties, it took her 10 first dates to muster up the courage to ask about a date’s previous relationships.

“She just found her guy recently,” said Nobile. “She asked him all the questions and she was like, ‘I can’t believe it. I just didn’t own my worth. I was scared of the response.’ So yeah, it’s amazing.”

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