Hello and welcome to another episode of Things That Look Like Dicks But Are Not Dicks. Today’s guest, a phallic carrot dubbed the “rude carrot” by the Guardian, comes to us all the way from New Zealand, where the rude carrot was deemed so rude, in fact, that it briefly derailed a live broadcast.
The carrot made its brief but memorable debut during a Radio Samoa interview with New Zealand cabinet minister Carmel Sepuloni when her son — presumably amused and delighted by the phallic discovery — burst into the room gleefully waving the rude carrot above his head in the background of the Zoom call. Unfortunately for those of us hoping to catch a closer look at the penile specimen, the rude carrot’s time in the spotlight was both brief and blurry, as Sepuloni quickly turned around and attempted to wrestle the rude carrot away from her son, and the radio program swiftly cut to a break.
“Yes, we were almost wrestling over a carrot on camera, and yes, I’m laughing about it now but wasn’t at the time!” Sepuloni wrote in a tweet sharing footage of the incident.
Due to the blurred video quality and the subsequent struggle that saw the rude carrot quickly obscured from view, it’s hard to see what exactly the carrot even looked like. According to Sepuloni’s tweet, the carrot “looked like a male body part,” — which, as we all know, obviously means a penis and not an arguably sexier male body part like, say, an Adam’s apple. But did the carrot itself look like a dick? Or was it one of those crotch carrots that manages to sprout legs and a penis-like appendage between them, like the one Amy Schumer laid to rest earlier this year?
Because the rude carrot was deemed too rude for the human eye, we may never know. Regardless, the rude carrot has become something of an international superstar, making headlines and devoted fans throughout the Western world. According to the Guardian, specimens like the rude carrot and its phallic-shaped vegetable ilk have been known to spark joy for centuries. After all, “everyone loves a suggestive vegetable.” Why? Perhaps, as the Guardian suggested, it has something to do with the amusing “juxtaposition of the quotidian and the erotic,” or maybe we’re just all perpetually 12 years old.
Either way, may society finally progress beyond the oppressive censorship determined to keep fans from fully appreciating the comedic greatness of phallic vegetables, and may the rude carrot finally be given the screen time an internationally beloved star deserves.
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