I AM lucky enough to be jetting off to sunny Cyprus next week.
But imagine my surprise, while scanning Instagram for the latest bikini trends, when I’m flooded with pictures of wedgies instead.
That’s right — girls on beaches and poolsides deliberately pulling their bottoms up their . . . well, their bottoms.
Of course, fashion is not always about comfort. But is a wedgie ever on trend?
Somehow, that irritating, even painful stretch of fabric that rides up where it doesn’t belong, causing you to wiggle and waddle to relieve yourself, is en vogue.
Try relaxing on a sun lounger with anything stuck between your bum cheeks. As for sunscreen and sand . . . it makes you wince.
Unfortunately, in a play for Instagram likes, scantily clad influencers are embracing their wedgies — or “whale tails”.
That tag refers to the moment a whale disappears beneath the surface of the water, leaving its V-shaped tail in the air.
But before I slam beautiful models and influencers such as Emily Ratajkowski, Zara McDermott and Irina Shayk for creating a (sea) monster, it wasn’t actually them.
In the early Noughties, designs from the likes of Gucci and Jean Paul Gaultier championed pelvis-baring, low-slung jeans that showed a glimpse of your designer thong.
This smaller tail — a dolphin, if you will — was a hit on catwalks and red carpets. Paris Hilton and Britney Spears loved the look. Nowadays, Kim Kardashian, 40, is blazing the trail for a tail.
Don’t get me wrong — it does look good. The hoicked-up fabric creates a fuller posterior, while the more exposed cheeks give the illusion of a smaller waist. And good for them.
Kim, with her army of personal trainers, chefs, stylists and assistants, has everything you need to take the perfect pic.
But for us mere mortals — not blessed with all that help, or the body of a goddess — the thought of lining up an Insta-snap with your cossie halfway up your derriere isn’t all so appealing.
For those of us who already feel like a beached whale at the seaside, don’t worry.
No one is looking at us. They are looking at the lunatics with their swimwear shoved up their bums, taking 500 pictures. Now pass me a daiquiri.